Monday, April 30, 2012

It would be wrong for me to say "Every doctor I've dealt with since my problems started over two years ago was an asshole." Just like it would be wrong for me to say that "everybody on the road is an idiot."
It would be more accurate for me to say "I have not liked most of the doctors who have seen me over the last two years." That has nothing to do with the fact that they didn't fix me. 
It has more to do with the fact that they were assholes. 
Take today for instance. 
Today was a brand new start with a brand new doctor. A lady doctor. The first lady doctor I would be dealing with for these on-going medical problems. I thought maybe the change would be go. Maybe a woman doctor would be more compassionate than the male doctors I had already seen. It's rare when you meet a woman who's an asshole. Men? All the time! But actually coming across a woman doctor who was an asshole? I figured the odds wrong. know, maybe 'asshole' is too strong a word. Really appropriate, but maybe too strong. 
Here. You decide. I'll describe my appointment, her behavior, and then you decide. 
I was led to an exam room by a young woman. This young woman noticed that the fluorescent lights were bothering me and she asked me if I wanted the lights dimmed, adding, mind you, 'We're prepared for that." With that she turned off the fluorescent lights and raised the dimmer on some warmer, softer lights. The pounding in my brain eased a little. I thanked her. 
I was told my doctor would be right in. 
After a minute or two, the door opened and a woman in a white coat came in to the exam room. 
She looked up and said 'Why the Hell are the lights off?"
Before I could answer, she continued, "Why are you sitting in there dark?"
I tried to explain that her office was prepared for situations like mine, but she didn't seem interested. 
Thus began the interview part of my appointment. After about six minutes I leaned forward in a little in my chair and offered 'I'm Jody (Kiss my ass!) by the way, nice (Not really! But I figured one of us should at least try to feign some semblance of manners) to meet you. She rolled her eyes and said "Oh. That's nice."
So that's how it's gonna, be. Huh? 
Okay. As I said a few minutes ago, somewhere else, I wasn't there on a blind date for lunch. I was there for answers and I was starting to lose hope there would be any. I tried to remain positive. It wasn't easy. 
You ever met someone with no personality who had no idea how to talk to another human being....who wasn't wearing a white lab coat? It was a strained conversation. Her tone was superior and she kept correcting me when I tried to relay my medical history for her clarification. Sorry, Doc, but there's only one person in this room who went to medical school and that person ain't me. Just like there's only one person in this room who went to charm school and that person ain' know
She ran some tests ("Squeeze my fingers." "Don't let me push your arms down." "Pull my hand to you-don't let me pull them away.") Basically the same sort of things you could read in the transcripts from the Bill Clinton impeachment trial. 
She asked me about the medications I was on and frowned disapprovingly when I told her that sometimes I had to take 4 Excederin Migraine to knock the pain down. By the way, Excederin Migraine is apparently the work of the Devil and the worst thing I could be taking right now. Word to the wise. 
She corrected me a few mores times on terms I was using and when I tried to explain that these were terms that were given to me by physicians at MCV, she didn't really seem to care. 
And then, before you could say something Hippocratic Oath, we were done. Even thinking about baseball wouldn't have stretched that appointment out any longer. 
My prescriptions were faxed over to the pharmacy. 
I signed some papers. 
Dr. Walkin' On Sunshine walked away and closed her office door behind her. No handshake. No real goodbye. She just walked into her office, closed the door, and started praying at the alter of Slytherin's Snape. 

Here we go again.

and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'