Sunday, March 10, 2013

GRRRRRRR...







Friend: /frend/ n. A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.  v: Add (someone) to a list of contacts associated with a social networking Web site.

friend. 
social.

funny words these days. 
and I guess, by funny, I mean ironic

I'm about this...













close to shutting down all my pages and stepping away...so frustrated...



and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'
*Copyright 2o13
*All Rights Reserved 



....

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Short Sad 
Tale of Stanley Plum
An Original Short by J.e. Matzer


Stanley's oatmeal that morning
Was lumpy with lumps.
And he spent the rest of the day,
Low down in the dumps.


The End.


.....


What?
I said it was short.


and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'
*Copyright 2o13
*All Rights Reserved










Dear Reader....

It has recently come to my attention some of you were unaware that I put links to other websites in my posts. I guess, in theory, these links are like little Easter eggs that will direct you to other sites that include videos or articles that are intended to support a point I was trying to make in my blog post.

So...for instance...

If you wanted to see a clip of Lindsay Lohan falling down a flight of stairs while dressed as a panda bear you might see differently colored words like these panda LOHAN...

Just click on those words and you will be transported to that site where you will see a drunken Lohan tumble like Humpty Dumpty. 

My bad. 
 
Alright... say you see and click on the words anchorman...you might see a video of Will Ferrell wrestling Barbara Walters.  

Okay. Sorry. I couldn't resist. 
You have to admit. It is a catchy tune.

All fun aside...
I just wanted to let you know in case you weren't aware. 

Some of my favorite links are:
MY ILLUSTRATIONS AND SKETCHES
MY WEDDING BLOG
MY COMPANY WEBSITE


Thank you again for taking time from your busy days to stop by and read my blog. I do appreciate it. 

Have an awesome day. 

and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'
*Copyright 2o13
*All Rights Reserved 


.....





 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

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Tuesday, March 5, 2013









1. FIND GOLDEN TICKET.

2. BEAT OTHER CHILDREN
3. WIN CHOCOLATE FACTORY
4. STOP GETTING CREEPED OUT BY THE OOMPA LOOMPAS.
5. MOVE FAMILY IN. 

6. MAYBE SEE AN OOMPA LOOMPA NAKED.
7. LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER 

That of course would be my Charlie Bucket list.

My bucket list is a little different.  

I haven't given it much thought lately. But...you know...there are those times...when you think about all those things you want to do...and whether or not there is going to be time and opportunity to accomplish them.

And...before I go any further...I have to say that this entry has nothing to do with my previous post. Nothing at all. It's just a coincidence that the previous post dealt with my health and now I'm talking about buckets...and lists. 

I can't do much today...I can't even sit at my drafting table...so I'm writing. I'm not sure I'm even saying anything...I just need to do something with my hands...and I don't crochet. I would imagine there are a lot of us out here, writing blogs who can't crochet.

Or write. 
I'm not even sure at this point if I'm a writer or not. 

From Ken Jennings' review of my book MILLIONAIRE BOY: The Adventures of a Game Show Contestant" on his website...where he's selling stuff...because Lord knows 3 million dollars doesn't go far these days:


"...But when he’s not being too jokey, Matzer is a perfectly pleasant, readable writer, good with an anecdote. He’s not overly thoughful, but he’s chatty. He’d be a decent blogger..."

Well. Gosh. I hope I'm at the least decent
For Ken's sake. 

I am not dying. 
Well...I mean...we're all dying a little each day, but I'm not dying as in there is something so horribly wrong with me that I'll be shaking off my mortal coil any time soon.

I have been thinking of about my BUCKET LIST however. 
So...here...without further ado...it is...

1. GET BUCKET!
womp womp wommmmmmp

okay...okay...okay...

OOPS! THERE I GO AGAIN!
Being all jokey.

MY BUCKET LIST
BY J.e. MATZER 

1.  SEE BILLY JOEL IN CONCERT
2.  GO TO NEW ZEALAND
3.  GO TO AUSTRALIA-SEE AYERS ROCK-SEE THE GREAT BARRIER REEF
4.  GO BACK TO THE GRAND CANYON FOR A WHITE-WATER RAFTING TRIP
5.  LEARN HOW TO RIDE A MOTORCYCLE
6   TAKE A  MOTORCYCLE TRIP THROUGH THE BLUE RIDGE PARKWAY
7.  COMPLETE AND PUBLISH MY CHILDREN'S BOOK
8.  COMPLETE AND PUBLISH MY COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES

How long is a BUCKET LIST supposed to be?
I mean...how big a bucket are we talking here?
I'm going to shoot for two more. Ten seems about right to me. 


9      BUILD A TREE FORT WITH MY TWO STEP-SONS.
10.  LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER WITH MY GORGEOUS WIFE.

Yep!

You read that right. 

There were no parachute jumps on that list. No zip line trips through The Amazon. No swimming with sharks. No meeting the Queen of England or Prime Minister of Wherever or even The President of The United States. 

No offense intended. I'm sure they're all wonderful people but so I am and meeting me should be on their lists.

I never saw the sense in jumping out of a perfectly good airplane and I don't think that's what a Bucket List is about...taking on something that scares the shit out of you.  

Parachutes? Sharks? Yeah. I don't think so.

The things listed on your Bucket List should be things you want to do and want to make sure you get done before the mother ship comes back for you.

I don't know. 
Maybe Charlie had it right. Win a contest and a life-time supply of chocolate? As long as I don't have to see one of those orange guy's naked...I'm in.


and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'
*Copyright 2o13
*All Rights Reserved



.....

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”~Steve Martin. 

I'm so tired of going to doctors. 
I'm so tired of giving blood. 

Probably just a little weary of the whole thing are than you are of hearing about it...and reading about it. 

I've sat in so many waiting rooms I have an uncontrollable urge to read Better Homes & Gardens. I find myself, these days, getting in the car and driving to Barnes & Noble and...just...hanging out...reading BHG.

Most waiting rooms have copies of Parenting. I don't have kids. There's no need for me to read DEALING WITH THE TERRIBLE TWO's
Besides...honestly...its just seems wrong.

Back in a waiting room again today...and then on top of that thin white butcher paper. Crinkling. Trying to look inconspicuous.
Luckily no gown today. 
There's a check in the positive column!

yay.

I'm so tired...so bummed...so sick of taking pills. 
I'm sitting here looking at all the bottles lined up. Like little orange soldiers with white helmets.
Orange?
Wait a minute. 
SO HELP ME GOD! If they come to life and start singing that creepy Oompa Loompa song!

So...I was back at the doctors today and not for my back. 
Nope. It's something else. 
I know. Awesome, right?

You don't need to tell me. 
I won't go into any details. The most recent complication isn't life-threatening...at least I don't think it is...nobody's told me it is...that is to say nobody's told me to get my affairs in order. 

It's just stupid, aggravating bullshit...just one more thing.
Nobody's fault but my own. I take full ownership

"Expectation is the mother of all frustration."
~Antonio Banderas


Well, if you can't trust Zorro who can you trust.

SHIT. DOUBLE SHIT.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED. 
I AM SO ANGRY. 
I AM SO LOW.   
 
Today is one of those days when I feel like there is a giant boulder on top of me. I'm feeling very Wiley E. Coyote-ish again.

I feel stalled...like an engine that has seized up. 
Nothing seems to be going right...or wrong, for that matter. It's just that nothing seems to be going...at all 

I honestly believe that if I jumped out of 10 story building today, I would somehow manage to miss the ground below...

...or...


I would hit the ground, bounce off the ground and do $10,000 in property damage.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I do know that. 

It's probably a train...or a mole with anger control issues...but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There have got be better days ahead. 

There's has to be.  
There has to be.
Right?


"Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle,
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
And this'll help things turn out for the best, and..."


Trying hard to whistle.

"Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you..."


Okay. So. I'm not so sure I can whistle today...and whether or not I am looking at or looking for the Bright Side of Life (the jury-please dear LORD not the one with Pauly Shore-is still out) I know tomorrow is another day. 


Just in case you were wondering...

This is the Far Side of Life...

This is the Blind Side of Life...




And this would be The Dark Side of Life...




I look good in black. Who knows?
 

It was the poet Gloria Gaynor who said "I Will Survive."
And it's true. 
I will survive.

That which does not kill me is just another co-pay. 


and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'...
as in 'why' can't we catch a freakin' break?!

*Copyright 2o13
*All Rights Reserved




.....