Friday, November 11, 2011

Webster defines frustration as "a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs."

Same old same old today. There was a lot of shoulder shrugging, raised eyebrows, and once again, no answers. I am, however, being referred to a new doctor who specializes in treating a variety of nerve, muscle and bone disorders. He also specializes in non-surgical treatments such as medication, physical therapy and injections.
I'm mean. Sure. Why not? After all I am really only one step away from dancing naked under a full moon while someone kills a chicken.
I've been bounced back and forth between so many doctors, I should have WILSON tattooed on my ass but then again, I'd probably start receiving phone calls from Tom Hanks.
I have been to
who sent me to
who sent me to
who sent me back to
NEUROSURGERYAnd all the while this is going on, I am giving blood like it's on sale and having so many MRI's done that now, when I get angry, I turn into a big, green super-hero.

Fuck me.
I'm so tired. Physically and mentally. I'm tired of numbness and stuttering and blurred vision and constant neck pain. I'm tired of no answers and shoulder shrugs and exposing myself to gamma rays and blood tests and still no answers and driving to hospitals and doctors' offices and stupid little gowns with flowers on them and...
Fuck me.
I'm depressed.
I don't know how else to feel. Anger does me no good, although that's the one emotion I feel the most comfortable with right now. Two years of this bullshit. Two years. Really? I mean. Seriously...really?
My appointment with this new doctor is on Monday. I'm not going to have any expectations. That's one thing I've learned. If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. Sounds negative, doesn't it? Just a little maybe? No. It's called self-preservation. Any disappointments at this stage of the game are magnified and take too much out of me. I can't afford the energy to buck myself up after another we-don't-have-a-freaking-clue doctor's appointment.
I'll keep an open mind. I'll put some hope away for safe keeping.
I don't know what else to do.
I really don't.

And that's Jody with a "y"
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  1. I love you and am so sorry you've been dealing with this for so long without answers. There ARE answers and they WILL be found. You have gotten further in 2 weeks than you have gotten in the past two years already. Don't forget MOST of that past two years has been WAITING on the next (frustrating) appointment. Having low or no expectations is NOT negative. It's realistic. That way you can be surprised and happy when your expectations are surpassed. Love, Your Wife

  2. I'm so sorry that you're in such a state. I understand.

    I fell on my head an injured my neck (they think; they have no idea what's wrong) in 1999/2000 pole vaulting in college, and have been dealing with the severe pain, headaches, dizziness, pressure, swelling, nausea, and lack of will to do a damn thing because it hurts (and/or it's pointless because no one has answers) for - wow - over a decade now.

    My sincere wish is that they'll get you all figured out in short order, and you won't have a third year of feeling this way.

    And - your wife is brilliant. Listen to her. :)

  3. Don't you love the looks of that... the beauty in the midst of all the pain: :"Love, Your Wife."

    Praying for relief and answers.

  4. Jody, I am so thankful that you have a wonderful woman at your side to love you in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, in peace and in frustration. We're praying that someone in the Health Profession has enough knowledge to be able to take care of it (although I would personally prefer something of the miracle variety, because the deductible is so much lower).