Thursday, January 24, 2013

I'm a real pretty picture this morning. 
I look like Christopher Walken stole clothing items from Gary Busey and then fell down some stairs
I was released from the hopsital yesterday and it's time for my hospital report card. 
Overall I was not as impressed with St. Mary's Hospital as I was during my visit at the beginning of December 2012. Which is kind of sad since I was in the hospital for steroid injections and not back surgery.
Maybe its because I was expecting the same experience. 
Maybe its because I was in considerably more pain. 
I don't know but where my first stay of 5 days in December for just injections would merit a grade of A, my stay of only three days after surgery would get a C-.
Some of the staff was very friendly and seemed to care about me genuinley. 
Overall though, I felt like I was bothering some of the folks there. 
I certainly have some bones to pick with the kitchen staff, and surprisingly, not about the food. (I doubt that was meat they were serving me, and therefore, there weren't any bones) It was just the way they burst into the room to make their deliveries. No one ever checked to see if I was asleep (and I was...every time they came to my room) they just  barged in talking at the top of their voices completely ignoring my presence. God forbid I asked for more salt...or fresh ice in my water...or a fork. Seriously. I would have gotten it myself but I couldn't walk!
Sleep is a precious commodity when you're in the hospital, especially when you're in a post-op situation and you feel like there is a knife sticking in your back. All I'm asking is stick you head in and check to see if the patient is asleep. How hard could that be?
Physical therapy is never fun and I can't imagine it's a fun job. Afterall, you are responsible for getting someone out of bed and doing physical activities when the last thing that person wants to do is get out of bed and do physical activities. 
There is no comfortable position for me to be in right now. 
I can't lie, sit, recline or stand. 
I'm thinking that my only option is to be suspended from the ceiling like Tom Cruise in MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.    
I'm walking with a four-pronged walking cane. The only thing missing is the four, neon yellow tennis balls. 
I have a thick brace around my waist which I have dubbed my UTILITY BELT. 
I might actually paint a yellow circle with a black belt on the front in a few days. 
I plan on doing a lof of nothing in the next few weeks. 
Some of those things are on the list I will call The THINGS I AM NOT TO DO OVER THE NEXT FEW WEEKS List.
There is an anachronism for the activities which I am forbidden (forbidden? guess that means that if I do any of them, I will receive the CURSE OF GREAT PAIN and release TYGOR, the seven-headed dragon from HEll)
The anachronism is BLT
Which means I am not allowed to bend, lean or twist.
Trust me, I'm so glad that's what this means. I don't think I could go without baconing for a few weeks.
For instance, I am not allowed to try and lift a gallon of milk. 
I am not supposed to vacuum, or make the bed or wrestle bears. 
(Just wanted to see if you were still paying attention)
My plastic beer stein, which never leaves my side. Or, front, I guess I should have said. I'm calling my plastic urinal Gerhardt. He's my new best friend. I'm getting quite good at using him without anyone noticing.vIn fact, as I'm typing get the picture.
I wish I had Gerhardt  when I saw Avatar.
My collection of pain pills has grown. Two more bottles and I can legally become president of an Elvis Presely fan club.
There are the pills I take for my head (oh yes....all that bullshit is still going on) and the pills I was given for my post-op pain. It looks like I'm about to open my own pharmacy.
On a scale of 1 to 10, my pain right now is 11. 
A really strong 11.
I'm hoping to get some sleep today.
Heck! Who am I fooling
I would be happy to able to sit back against the back of the couch without crying. Using the toilet is going to be hard. 
I hope, one day, Gerhardt can find the courage and strength to forgive me.  

and that's 'Jody with a 'y' 
All Rights Reserved. 
Copyright 2013.   

No comments:

Post a Comment