Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Always After Me LUCKY CHARMS

"When Irish eyes are smiling.
Sure it's like a morning spring.
In the lilt of Irish laughter.
You can hear the angels sing."

It's St. Patrick's Day today.
I have no plans. I didn't put up my tree, I'm not going to any pubs or Irish themed bars (Paddy O' McChuckles Comedy Club or Drinky O'Shalalee's) and it's not because I am anti-Irish.

It's simple really.

I don't own a single piece of clothing that is green. Scout's honor.

And I don't want to spend the evening getting my arm pinched by complete strangers...And isn't it sad that adults still do that?

God. I'm starting to sound like Andy Rooney. At least I can be happy knowing that I don't have two mutant caterpillars where my eyebrows are supposed to be!

We all have memories of not wearing green on St. Patty's Day..especially from when we were in middle school. And they're probably not the best memories. Unless you were a little masochist back then, wishing you were going to a Catholic school where corporal punishment was not only allowed, but encouraged.

In our adult-work world it's bad enough that we still pinch those who don't wear green. In high school we still pinched and knew better and crueler ways to do it. Middle School was the worst though. Wasn't it?

Between taking hits in dodgeball, sliding down that rope in gym class, and not wearing green on St. Patty's Day, I have some scars that will never heal. Middle school was uncomfortable enough what with the occasional uncontrollable erection (which usually occurred right as the teacher asked me to come up and write something on the chalk board in front of the entire class) and the hair cut my mom gave me because we couldn't afford to go to a real barber and which made me look like Moe from the Three Stooges.

And if you weren't wearing green because you had forgotten, did you try the whole "My Underwear Is Green" Defense? That was kind of a smooth move-playing the underwear card-because you knew you would never have to prove it. Not in middle school! No middle school boy was going to show his underpants to anybody....especially a girl. And no girl was going to-well-there was that one girl in my 7th grade class who would trade a glimpse of her underpants for your Twinkies. If you were lucky enough to have PoP-RoCkS...well...then you could actually touch the waistband! I wonder where she is now?

But the "Green Underwear Defense" was a good move. If you were quick enough to think of it.

Yes. St. Patty's when you are in middle school and not wearing green is Hell. Pure Hell.

I remember the time a saleslady at JC Penney suggested to my mother 'that the blue shirt brought out the blue in my eyes so beautifully' and the added that because I was a little on the husky side the green shirt would make me look bigger."

Thanks lady, I remember thinking, When I recover from the non-stop pinching I shall be the victim of, I would like to come back some day and beat you with the leg of one of your mannequins.

Yeah. I'm not going through all that again. No sir. I'm staying home.
I'm going to wear blue pants and a red shirt and yellow socks.
But I will wake up tomorrow bruise-free.

St. Patrick's Day

and that's "jody" with a "y"

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