Monday, March 16, 2009

Whose bright idea was it to put those
annoying little pop-ups
on the bottom of the television screen?

You know the ones I'm talking about. Those little tv shows within a tv show that PoP up during shows that you're engrossed in. You're sitting in your favorite chair, you have your beverage and your salty snack (unless you're a chocoholic, like me, and then, in that case, you have a box (the same size as they sell at the movie theaters but which only cost you one dollar at the Wal-mart) of junior mints...or WhOpPeRs.... you're watching, let's say, CSI, and the scene is dark and Grissom is slowly making his way through a dark room, flashlight in hand, and just when you know he is about to make a gruesome discovery....

Jim Carrey as Bruce from Bruce Almighty walks across the bottom of the screen and starts doing that dotting the night sky with more stars to impress girlfriend Jennifer Anniston (grrrr).

Suddenly you're distracted from CSI and you're watching this little commercial (IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING SHOW!!) for Bruce Almighty.

What the Hell?!


Because I would like to run over you with my truck. And then stop. Back up. And do it all over again. And then when the people at the funeral home are watching a video of your life with soundtrack featuring Aaron Neville singing Ava Maria and Michael Bolton singing Time in a Bottle and if there is time maybe an ENYA song or two....just as Aunt Millie wipes the snot from under her nose for the tenth time...

I"M going to PoP up at the bottom of the screen mowing the lawn. Yep! You heard me correctly! Just as the video of you accepting your high school diploma flashes on the screen, i'm going to appear at the bottom mowing my lawn....and I can't exactly promise that I will be wearing pants when I do it, either!!


Of all the things that irritate me about television today, those little pop-ups (WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU CALL THOSE THINGS ANYWAY!!) are at the top of the list.

Look. We as an American television audience are used to commercials breaking up the contunuity of our favorite shows. We've gotten over that as soon as Jack Bauer is about to get to the information he needs to save the world by beating a terrorist or mailman or stubborn boy scout with a 2X4 and a copy of the New York City yellow pages, we know as soon as the terrorist opens his mouth, the screen will go black, we will see the clicking digital clock, and then we will have to suffer through ads for Tampax or Outback Steakhouse or Stove Top Stuffing....that GEICO lizard....or WHATEVER!!!

We're used to the commercials and the three minutes we will have to pee, freshen up the iced tea, or check FACEbook real quick.

Who decided that it was okay to put
commercials on during the shows?

Who decided that it would be okay to block the whole bottom of the screen with The Ghost Hunters? And Grant and Jacon, FOR THE RECORD, PoP up at the bottom of every damn tv show...with their annoying flashlights and the big guy's big shiny bald head!! Maybe if the SCI-Fi Channel spent less for those bottom of the screen blockers and put some of that money into their movies, their movies wouldn't suck so bad!!! No offense to The Ghost Hunter guys, but stay the Hell off the bottom of my tv screen!!! You want an EVP? bottom....of my screen.......!

I was watching a show the other night and I couldn't read the sub-titles (JUST A LITTLE IMPORTANT!!!! HELLLLLOOOOOO??!!) because Will Farrell, in his Ricky Bobby character was running around the bottom of my screen in just his tighty-whities.

Look. All I'm saying is this....

Commercials are fine. And I understand that they are necessary. BUT there is a time and a place for them. During our tv shows....all along the bottom of the screen.....during really, really important scenes (or not really important scenes for that matter!) is neither the time or the place!!!



Because, eventually, everyone is going to stop watching tv and then we will all start looking for other means of READING...and spending TIME with our loved ones...or working with the old and the sick...or raising orphaned animals....

And then WHERE will you be Mr. Tv. Ad Department "I've-Got-A-Great-Idea"-Guy?

I'll tell you where. TARGET. Working in ladies shoes. I will be wearing men's shoes but working in the ladies shoe department. Shit. You know what I meant! You'll be sorry. And let's all see if The Ghost Hunters come to help! I bet they won't!! Because Jason and Grant will be un-stopping a toilet in Pittsburgh that was clogged up with a TV Guide!!!

and that's "jody" with a "y"

No comments:

Post a Comment