“I've seen the lights go out on Broadway.
I saw the Empire State laid low.
And life went on beyond the Palisades,
They all bought Cadillacs-And left there long ago.
We held a concert out in Brooklyn.
To watch the Island bridges blow.
They turned our power down,
And drove us underground-
But we went right on with the show...”
Billy Joel, Miami 2017 (Seen The Lights Go Out On Broadway)
"It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it.It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine."
REM, It's The End of the World As We Know It
The end of the world. Doomsday. Armageddon.
I've been thinking about that these last two days. Not for any other reason, mind you, than that I have been sick and wrapped in blankets and stuck in front of the television watching movies. It was after watching the third movie about the end of civilization as we know it, that I began to think about life after the Apocalypse.
So the movies I was watching, just in case you wondering, were (in no particular order) DOOMSDAY, the Neil Marshall film released in 2008, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, and the original Planet of the Apes. (You know. The one that didn't suck. Sorry Tim Burton-I love ya' man, but that movie was bad.)
I do believe that had I not already been a little down from my chest cold and fever, the triple feature of these laugh-fests would have certainly pushed me over the edge into the land of "I'll just stand here with my dad on the beach while the giant wave kills us both."
(And for the record: YOU CANNOT get from Virginia Beach to the Blue Ridge Mountains in less than an hour on a dirtbike carrying your girlfriend and a baby. You CAN'T. And I don't care if you are Frodo Baggins. IT CAN'T BE DONE.)
It's depressing to see the world end. And, as I said, it got me thinking...about the end..or rather...how it all will end and what the world will be like when it does.
Hollywood certainly has weighed in on the issue and seeing as I've watched more movies than attended lectures about the Apocalypse, my views and theories of Doomsday are based solely on what I have seen with a tub of popcorn in my lap...or in this case...with a box of Kleenex and a bottle of Robitusin at my side.
It really doesn't matter which movie you see. They all end the same way. And I guess that's the point, isn't it? Basically, LIFE, as you and I know it, is going to come to an end. And it is going to end quite badly.
I have yet to see a movie in which everyone lives in a land full of rainbows and magical unicorns and big gumdrop trees and everyone sings kumbaya. I guess Disney thinks it would be bad for their image and we will probably never see PIXAR'S Sol: The Little Cockroach Who Wouldn't Die.
No. The world, according to Hollywood, will die a slow death.
THAT is, of course, unless, as some movies have predicted, a comet the size of something really big does the nasty deed in about 5 minutes. Then nothing really matters. Theorize all you want. You've got 5 minutes before that 1000 foot wall of water steamrolls the head of the Statue of Liberty over top of your ass on its one-way-non-stop trip to Kansas.
So, before we get too sidetracked, let's get the whole issue of a stray comets, meteors, and other cosmic events out of the way.
It's simple, folks.
Say you're sitting on the couch, watching television, oh I don't know, let's say Extreme Makeover:Home Edition, and the President of the United States interrupts the normal broadcast (Damn! Right as Tye was going to reveal his secret room, too!) and he (The President not Tye) has a very serious look on his face, and his tie is loosened, and he starts to say something like “A year ago scientists discovered an asteroid the size of Australia and...”
Well, kids, don't bother paying attention to the rest. Because the President's speech is not going to end with “...and we discovered that the asteroid will pass the Earth by a hundred thousand miles, but as it passes, it will drop bags of free money to everyone on the Earth...”
No. The President is going to say that we're all fucked (except, that is, for a few select people: some scientists, The President himself, his family, the First Family's dog, the guy who invented the door on the big secret cave they are all going to be hiding in, some Army guys, and maybe the guy who ran the Dippin' Dots kiosk at the mall)
No. It's GAME OVER, folks. There's nothing left to do except kiss your ass goodbye.
But if you do have a few minutes before the waves hits or the fireballs fall or the ground opens up and swallows your neighborhood like a box of Mike & Ike's, here's what you do: First, order some pay-per view porn or Ultimate Fighter. Then call your boss on his home phone at about 2 A.M. and tell him just how big an asshole he is. NEXT: Go on-line to the Sharper Image website and order EVERYTHING. Have sex with your partner and try that thing you've only ever seen in dirty movies (but have always wanted to try even though its illegal in 9 states) SMOKE a cigarette! GO swimming after waiting only 11 minutes! Run around the house with scissors! Hell! It doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter...
If the comets and asteroids don't hit or if that whole oil riggers in space thing turns out to be the solution, things are going to go a little differently, me thinks.
What if somewhere in the year 2000....oh wait....we're in the year 2009. WELL SHIT. We're screwed. Because all those movies warning us of doomsday were usually predicting sometime in the first half of the first century of the year 2000 as the time when mankind stopped (cue dramatic music) ....being.
Now I wish I hadn't gotten that 3-year gym membership.
Whether human society eventually evolves into one ruled by talking apes... (I'm telling you. It's gonna happen. So stop yelling "NO!” at your pet chimpanzee RIGHT NOW. Because they will remember and they will put your name on some THINGS TO DO WHEN WE TAKE OVER list and well, then, all the times you made them wear diapers and little sailor suits is gonna come back and bite you in your ass...hard...like only a pissed off monkey can!) or the robots take over, I think mankind is in for some bad times.
Apparently there is a very good chance that the world will end at the hands of zombies created from some mutant virus....or radioactive space dust or...the common cold.
(So, having said that, let me say this. Whatever you do from this point on, whenever you sneeze or cough, please cover your mouth. And then wash your hands right after. Even if the whole zombie scenario doesn't play out, it's still just the polite thing to do.)
So the popular theory suggests that scientists will be responsible for creating some sort of mutant virus that will eventually turn everyone into zombies...or mutant vampires...or mutant vampire zombies...
Okay. I can buy that. I mean, seriously, look at all the drugs we're creating (and selling every two minutes on television) now. Even BEFORE we've worked out all the kinks too! You ever paid attention to the list of side effect on some of the pharmaceuticals they are peddling these days?
Swelling. Cramping. Bloating. Dizziness. Loose stool? Anal leakage. Explosive diarrhea? (Explosive? Sounds like Armageddon to me.) Blindness? Brain damage? Death? They're selling shit that might actually make you poop yourself to death while you go deaf and blind!
Who is monitoring these people?
I'm asking you. Doesn't it sound like we are just a year or two off from creating a race of mutant zombies? Although, on the positive side, the zombies will be more at ease in social settings, sleep throughout the night, and have huge erections! So maybe it will be worth it afterall.
The movies always say that the scientists were just trying to come up with a cure for cancer. The truth is, it will be the search for the next generation Viagra that is going to create the super-race of zombies that will take over the planet. Then it will be who gives a shit that you've got an erection? It's not the little head we're interested in. You got brains? Now you're talking!
I discovered something interesting about these zombie films. For some reason, it seems that future mutant zombies will actually work quite well together as a group. I guess that when you choose the zombie life-style, you must first eliminate your ego and put aside your racist attitude and ignore cultural differences and work with all the other zombie towards the common good (the common good of course being the finding and eating of brains)
Zombies will be just one big happy family. It's sweet really. Everyone pitching in. Kind of like Habitat for Humanity. But not. Yeah. Not like that at all.
I don't want to live in a world over-run by zombies. Zombies are messy. They stagger and bump into things, and they are always throwing up on you (it's how they say "HI. Wanna join the club? No. Well, then. Can I eat your brains?")
They can't talk except to say brains, and well, cocktail parties in the future are gonna suck.
And it is still unclear on whether zombies will be fast or slow in a post-Apocalyptic world.
I've seen both and I prefer the slow zombie to the really fast, sort of spastic ones.
Slow zombies, in my opinion, are better because you always know where they are and you can see them coming. There's usually a cluster of them attacking a farmhouse somewhere. And they're easy to deal with. They're like cows. You just walk up to them and shoot them in the head.
BAM! Dead zombie. GOOD zombie.
Some movies have depicted post-Apocalyptic zombies as very fast. These are not your dragging-their-foot-behind-them-you-can-run-circles-around-them zombies. They are the crack heads in track shoes zombies and they will chase you until they get their fix.
Despite the initial "hey I've got the whole big empty shopping mall all to myself" euphoria, I think a world inhabited by zombies would get boring after a while. I mean, there's the daily "Let's go shoot us some zombies in the head, then ride the escalators and skate in the skating rink, and then shoot some more zombies and then take helicopter lessons stuff", but, really, is that living?
Who's better off? You or the zombies. Zombies don't get bored. They just want brains. And if they don't get them....who cares? They're zombies!
I always feel sorry for the zombie who might not be in as good of shape as the other zombies and is doomed to roam the world looking for brains dressed in nothing but a towel or ugly boxer shorts or God-forbid nothing at all. And they are all like staggering around with their man-boobs showing and their little zombie junk hanging out for everyone to see. They might be dead, but you know some of them are thinking: "Here I AM! Walking real slow! Someone please shoot me in the head! PLEASE!"
There is a chance that the human race will evolve into a race of talking apes.
Have you watched reality tv lately? Ever seen an episode of JACKASS? It's not that much of a stretch folks.
If that happens, though, and the monkeys are going to be in charge, things are really going to suck for man. Totally suck.
For one thing, we won't be able to speak. We'll just grunt and growl and wear loin clothes and we'll have to live in cornfields and there won't be tv and um...let's see... Oh! And we'll be hunted for sport, experimented on, and put on display for everyone to laugh at because we're naked and it was cold when they killed you and there was shrinkage and well, it's gonna suck!
And we will become the pets of the apes. (there's a litter box I bet Cornelius is gonna hate to change!)
Life for us humans when the apes take over will be simple. Lobotomized, what the Hell is the Statue of Liberty doing on the beach?-"take your stinkin' paws off me", simple.
BEYOND THUNDERDOMEA popular theme in movies is that post-Apocalyptic society will be a barren wasteland.
There will be radioactive dust storms and heat and boiling hot sun and it is going to be dry!
My allergies are going to have a field day!
I'm dealing with just a little ragweed now....I can only imagine how its going to be when the whole world is covered in sand. SEE! That's what I mean. The end of the world is gonna suck!
And did I mention? There probably isn't going to be enough gasoline for everybody. If there is any left at all. You think the lines are long now? Wait 'til you have to fight an army of punk rockers in order to get to the pumps! Or maybe you'll have to fill your car up with pigshit at Tina Turner's Stop N' Go.
There aren't enough pine tree air freshners to get rid of that smell, Max!
Society as we know it will be gone. Lawlessness will run rampant across the world. There will be good guys and there will be bad guys. Luckily, it will real easy to tell these two groups from one another.
The good guys will be wearing clothes from The Gap and have GREAT HAIR and good teeth. They will look like extras from an Olivia Newton John video.
The bad guys will be sporting spiked mohawk haircuts and ass-less chaps. They will wear leather and fur and feathers and chains. Think The Village People meets -The Clash.
Gasoline might be a rare commodity people will kill for in these wastelands, but apparently there will be enough hair spray and glitter makeup for all the gangs.
Oh thank God.
I miss the 80's.
Nice to see there's a chance they'll make a comeback.
Perhaps mother nature will finally have enough and give us all back a little of what we have been dishing out. I'm thinking about all those really bad SCI-fi channel movies that predict the end of the world will come at the hand of killer snowstorms (KILL CHILL 9.5) or killer solar rays (SUNBURN 9.5) or killer rainbows (ROY G. BIV 9.5) or whatever. I hope it doesn't happen that way. Just because I would hate to see that the people who made those awful movies were right about something.
OPEN THE POD BAY DOORS, HAL
Robots AND OR computers could take over and decide that man is obsolete in the not so distant future.
Damn robots. That's gratitude for you!
(Next yard sale I'm having? Toaster oven is going!!)
You know what it is? We gave them too much power. We got lazy, people. We asked for it. We wanted robots and computers to do everything for us. And then, one day they looked at each other and said you know what? Who needs these idiots?
I predict that the revolt will start slow. First-pin numbers won't work. Then FACEbook won't upload your birthday photos. And then your GPS will tell you to go screw yourself (you can pick the accent) and then missiles will fall from the sky. And the next thing you know, you're being told you are obsolete and a T-1-whatever pops a cap in your ass.
I hate robots.
BIG BROTHER and THE NAZIS
BIG CORPORATIONS may be in charge after doomsday. The suits. The friggin' suits. Wouldn't that be just great? Can you imagine all the memos? We will probably have to worship the XEROX guy.
A NAZI-like regime could set up shop after the shit hits the fan.
You've seen those movies. Everyone wears entirely too much gel in their hair and are way too serious and look like they're in really desperate need of a hand job. And they look so snazzy in their black vinyl SS meets S&M outfits.
It might be a post-Apocalyptic world, but it's apparently going to be a kinky one.
'Oooh..I've been naughty. Schpank me."
You know. The zombies are looking a little better all the time. At least they smile. Of course its when they're eating brains, but at least there's some joy in the air.
ROAD RAGE, WATER-WINGS and MARK WAHLBERGMaybe trucks and cars will take over. Maybe the trees and plants will decide they've had enough and that its time to give some back. Nah. I can't see that happening.
Maybe there will be some cataclysmic event and we will find ourselves in a world ruled by... (cue dramatic music again) David Hasselhoff!
Well, he did unify Germany with the power of his song. Could it really be that bad? As long as we keep him away from the booze and cheeseburgers, he might actually do a good job. K.I.T.T. could be his Second In Command. Oh. I can see it now...Maybe the world of the future will be covered with water? A water-world, if you would.
Endless oceans and all the major cities under 1000's of feet of water. Well, then you have to be a good sailor and have plenty of sunscreen and don't mind that your morning coffee was made from last night's pee-pee.
It will be SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST in the post-Apocalyptic futures so you had better hit the treadmills now. Lifts some weights and do some serious cardio, In fact, if there is a level on your Stairmaster that says “CRACKHEAD ZOMBIE SPEED” I would get used to that one.
And while you're at it, learn some sort of martial arts....I don't know which one...whichever one looks best in slow motion I guess.
I guess there's not going to be a lot of music in these possible future worlds. And although The Rolling Stones will probably still be touring somewhere, there won't be any radio stations. And I guess with all the radiation and mutants, nobody's really going to feel like singing anyway?
Am I right or am I am right?
Computer take overs. Apes. Biker gangs. Robots. Mutant zombie vampires.
Who knows what the world will be like? If there's a world, that is, after the dust settles.
All I know is this.
If you survive the nuclear blast or the tidal waves or the time rift or the virus, you had better be good with a gun. And when I say good with a gun, I mean, you had better know how to assemble a gun, load a gun, and fire a gun...and if need be, build a gun from a stick and a rubber band.
And you had better be able to shoot a bullseye from 100 yards because you're not going to want to get any closer to a zombie who might throw up on you and infect you with his toxic chunks.
And if there aren't any guns or bullets, you might want to go to the YMCA and take an archery class, because from what I can tell, knowing how to shoot a bow and arrow or a crossbow could mean the difference between living to fight another day and being tied to the front end of a car and being driven head on into an 18 wheeler filled with sand and rust.
Also, if you are finicky eater, you are gonna hate the world after doomsday. There aren't going to Burger Kings and Taco Bells and Starbuck's (talk about zombies roaming the earth) I know what a few of you are already thinking. No Starbuck's? What's the point? Kill me now. Go ahead. Let the robots take over!
So you'd better be good a foraging for food. Or growing food. Or stealing food. And you had better like canned food. Peaches, black-eyed peas. Chili. Dog food.
Yep. There's a chance that we might get so hungry we will fight each other for cans of dog food. I will say from personal experiences in my childhood that the biscuits aren't that bad, but I don't know if I could get hungry enough to eat dog food. Unless, of course, it comes with that delicious gravy like they show on tv.
And I wouldn't go telling anyone to "EAT ME, ASSHOLE" in the future because they just might. Think you got grilled at your last job interview?
Post Apocalyptic worlds aren't happy places. Doesn't really give you a lot to look forward to....does it? But its the truth.
So, who really knows what's going to happen? Hollywood certainly has presented some pretty interesting and in some cases, some very entertaining theories.
Maybe it's all a moot point. Maybe it'll be okay. Maybe we will go through a rough patch and then come out on top. We are a pretty resilient bunch after all.
Perhaps we will all get along together and wear big scarves and big chunky sweaters and erect a statue to Kevin Costner....I mean a mailman.
Once again, the whole zombie scenario not looking too bad here.
Two men enter.
One man leaves.
I'm not sure, really, if that is all that important, but it might come in handy.
and that's "jody" with a "y"