J.E. Matzer's Wafer Thin Mint

It's Monday. It's rainy. 
I feel like crap. 
No better time to get some stuff off my chest.


Dear US Magazine,
You have a feature called WHO WORE IT BEST? 
What you don't offer is the most obvious third option. 
The Neither Option. 
Seriously.
You know what I see? I see a two celebrities wearing a big, ugly yellow hat. 
You know who wore it best? 
Curious George's friend.
~~~~~~~~~~
Dear HGTV,
I think its awesome you offer contests and sweepstakes which give people a chance to appear on one of your shows and possibly win a new kitchen or bathroom or both. 
You ever consider widening the scope of contestant eligibility for your shows to somewhere other than the Los Angeles or Atlanta areas? 
Seriously. 

And while I'm on the subject...

Would you please stop giving kitchens to people who already have large, functioning kitchens? It's so annoying to see people complaining about their huge kitchens with storage. Our kitchen is a phone booth with two cabinets, no exhaust fan and no counter space! We have to buy half loaves of bread because there's no room for a whole loaf!
Some of these folks you're giving brand new kitchens to have no freaking real appreciation for what a small kitchen is. 
Come to our house! I'll show a small kitchen!

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Tim Burton,
Love your movies. Love your original artwork. 
We get it. You're a creative genius. 
Would it kill you to comb your hair, though?
Seriously. 
Every time I see you on camera I half expect to see a crow poke its head out from the top of your head. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Taylor Swift,
Write a happy song for once. Just one.
Sit down at your dining room table today and write a silly little ditty called MY SILLY SHOE SONG.
We're all just a little tired hearing about all your failed relationships. 
You're a child.
Seriously.
What are you? 12? 
Lighten the #$%@ up!

 ~~~~~~~~~~

Dear This Old House,
I've been watching you for over 30 years. 
Enough!
Just build the house already. 
We don't need a trip to the factory that built the door hinges. Take those valuable 20 minutes and build something.
Seriously.
It's This Old House. 
NOT This Old Hinge.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear 'FRIEND'...
WHY exactly are we friends on Facebook?
We never 'talk.'
You never comment on any of my posts or photos. 
You never comment on any of my posts on your wall. 
So...the question remains...
WHY exactly are we friends on Facebook?


 ~~~~~~~~


Dear Television Networks,
PLEASE stop creating shows with the word 'swamp' in the title.
Swamp Men. 
Swamp People. 
Swamp Brothers. 
Swamp Wars. 
Seriously.
Enough already! 
Swamp People. On The History Channel?
How the Hell does that happen?
Swamp Brothers on The Discovery Channel?
Trust me! The last thing I want to discover is brothers who live in a swamp.    
Why not just lump all these shows onto one network called The GOOBER Channel?
And while I'm at it...
PLEASE stop putting people on television with anything less than a full mouth of teeth. 4 out of 5 dentists are probably getting wood watching these shows. The rest of us? Not so much.  
One last thing: If you have to include sub-titles because the person who is the star of your show is so hard to understand, don't put them on television!
It might be a hoot to put these backward, uneducated hicks on television, but you are systematically dumbing down America. 
If I want to lower my IQ, I'll watch wrestling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Dear SEARS,
You put the 'suck' in 'suck.'  
Thank you.

~~~~~~~~ 

Dear FACEBOOK,
How about a few more options other than 'friend' ?
Here are some of my suggestions:
~The Acquaintance-You Know Them. But You Don't Know Them.

~The Co-Worker -Someone Who Will Probably Never Be Invited Over For Dinner But You Don't Want To Cause Waves At Work
~The Annoying Relative- Someone Who Probably Never Be Invited Over For Dinner...but if you're not friends on Facebook you'll get shit from the rest of the family
~The Distant Asshole-Not Really Friends...You Just Want To Make Sure They're Not Talking About You 
~The Drunk- You Met This Person At A Friend's Holiday Party And Have No Idea Who They Are But You Are Just Too Embarrassed To De-friend them

And while I'm making suggestions...
How about a few more options for the LIKE Button.
Here are my suggestionsL
 ~The We're Friends But That Was The Stupidest Thing I've Ever Read Button
 ~The SHUT UP! OH DEAR GOD PLEASE SHUT UP! Button  
 ~The SORRY YOU'RE SAD or FEELING BAD Button
(Seriously, Facebook. Are we really supposed to LIKE someone's post when they write "Well...it's DAY 3 of my battle with explosive diarrhea" ?)
  
~The THAT'S JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT NOW Button  

And why is it that we can EDIT our comments but not our posts?
Fix that shit...will ya?

~~~~~~~~

Dear PEOPLE OF AMERICA, 
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop making celebrities out of anybodys who are nobodys.
Stop putting train-wrecks up on pedestals!
Want to know how to get this country back on track?
Go back to staring at actual train-wrecks. 
Celebrity implies some sort of discernible talent. Somewhere along the line we forgot that. 
I was going to list a few of these individuals who have become celebrities in this country...for whatever inane reasons...but I figured they've already received far more attention than they deserve.

~~~~~~~~

THE RAPID-FIRE ROUND

DEAR AMERICAN IDOL. You were done 4 season ago. This horse has been officially beaten. LEAVE THE HORSE ALONE!

DEAR ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. We would love some entertainment tonight. When did you turn into The National Enquirer? You should have called it quits when Mary Hart packed up her famous gams.

DEAR GORDON RAMSEY. Enough with all the television shows and shouting and negativity. Why not just go back to any one of your 80 or so restaurants and do some freaking cooking?

DEAR JOAQUIN PHOENIX. Pull the stick out of your ass and make up your mind. Do you want to be a movie actor or not? STOP looking so damn miserable. Maybe you should take some time off and work at Home Depot.

DEAR BRAVO NETWORK. I find very little on your network which would make me feel like shouting "BRAVO!" 

DEAR PIERCE MORGAN. It's not all about YOU.
DEAR OPRAH. It's not about all YOU.
DEAR KANYE WEST. Nobody cares. 
DEAR KATHY LEE AND HODA. Maybe a little less wine?

DEAR HOLLYWOOD. ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE REMAKES AND REBOOTS.

And finally...

DEAR HUGH HEFNER. I know its going to be pretty darn impossible...unless Betty White has a much older sister...but why not try marrying someone your own age. This whole younger woman thing stopped being funny a while back. You've now set up shop in the Town of Creepy Old Man.

GOD.
This was exhausting.

Serenity now.
Serenity now.
Serenity now.  

and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'
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