Monday, February 25, 2013

Well, the marathon that is THE OSCARS is over.
Over after almost 4 hours. 

I have to be honest and say I didn't hang in for the full four hours. I did get a little bit of a break. I switched channels after the first half hour to satisfy my zombie fix with an hour of The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead. 
Probably how the audience of The Dolby Theatre, home of The Academy Awards since 2001, felt after the show ended.

2001. When last night's telecast started.

After zombie carnage, armed only with a juice-box and a ration of home-baked chocolate chip cookies, I turned back to ABC.

So how did this year's Academy Awards stack up?

First off, let's take a look at our host for the evening, Seth McFarlane. True to form, McFarlane brought his love for showtunes to the evening's format. He soft-shoed and crooned his way from segment to segment, all the while flashing that kinda creepy ultra-bright smile.

I have to say his opening monologue was the longest I'd ever seen. I checked my watch (nowadays 'watch' of course means either cellphone or the digital display on the DVR) 17 minutes. 

The opening monologue was seventeen minutes long. 4 minutes longer and Daniel-Day Lewis would have won an OSCAR for it. 

McFarlane did exactly as expected. He had fun while poking fun. Maybe a little too much fun. There were some moments when he nervously laughed at his own joke...and nobody joined him. 

There were several moments of very obvious disapproval from the audience. 

As creator of Family Guy, McFarlane is no stranger to the your-pushing-the-boundaries-of-manners-too-much vibe. Last night was no exception and with a twinkle in his eyes, he shrugged off the boo's and ahh's like Superman brushes off bullets...right before he ducks to get out of the way of the gun being thrown at him.

Joke-wise there were a few clunkers. 

In my opinion, there were far too many moments where he broke the 4th Wall and spoke directly to 'his cue card guy' saying things like "You sure you want to go with that one?...well...okay then."

He even joked about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting next year, and you could tell the audience was kinda wishing they were there last night.

As far as the ceremony there weren't any spectacular moments. 
No movies swept The OSCARS last night. 

I don't think any movie will ever again accomplish what Silence of the Lambs managed to pull off in 1992. Best Picture, Best Director and Best Acting nods for acting as well as a little golden man for Ted Talley's adaptation of Thomas Harris' novel. 

It's always curious to me when the winner of the Best Director OSCAR isn't the director who healmed the Best Picture. Case in point, Ang Lee, Life of Pi, won for directing last night. Argo won for Best Picture. Did Argo direct itself? Just asking. 

One day, Ben Affleck. One day. 

Here are some of the things I wanted to comment on:

~The James Bond Tribute. What the HELL happened there? Apparently some of the more famous Bonds didn't want to commit and Timothy Dalton, even though he, like, put in a request, like five weeks ago, couldn't get the night off from Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Sure. We got to see Halle Berry looking hot but...
The montage was weak. I've seen more that were so much better. 
Dame Shirley Bassie singing Goldfinger was just okay. I feel like I should have been more impressed. I was distracted though by the fear she was going to forget the words. 

Old Lingerrrrrr.....she's doesn't know the words.....Old Lingerrrrrr....
Sorry. That was just mean. 

What was up with just one Bond theme song though? 
Why not a medley?
Marvin Hamlisch, who died this year, wrote Nobody Does It Better, one of the more popular Bond theme songs. It would have been cool to hear Carly Simon belt out a line or two. 
Is Duran Duran so busy these days they couldn't show up for a chorus of A View To A Kill, from the Bond film of the same name. 
How about Sir Paul McCartney? Live and Let Die? Hello? It might have been cool to see this one performed at The OSCARS since the song originally lost to Isaac Hayes' Theme from Shaft.

Nope. Just one song and an okay montage.

And there wasn't one Bond in the house. 
No Connery. 
No Moore. 
No Craig. 
No...well...those three would have done it for me. 
I have to admit, I was a little shaken...and not stirred.

Here now is my rapid-fire breakdown of last night's celebration of movies, the people who make them and the people who are in them:

~Actresses-Try on your dresses before you leave the store! If you trip on it there-why would you think it's going to get any better when you're in front of a billion people?

~TO ANYONE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW-Whether or not you are nominated, you are in the front row of THE OSCARS. Do sit there like you just crapped your pants. Lighten up a little bit. That goes to you Helen Hunt and Samuel L. Jackson. Smile. You're actors. Pretend you're having a good time. If you're miserable, step outside for a smoke...a drink...a quickie...whatever will relax you.

~Charlise Theron? Channing Tatum? You can dance? Holy #@$%! Who knew! What a classy, fun moment from last night's show!

~The We Saw Your Boob song was hilarious!
Missed it? Wanna see it? It was the word 'boob' that did it? 
It's okay. 

 ~It always bothers me when people applaud for some people during the In Memorium portion of the show and not for others. It's all or nuthin' people. They've all moved on into The Light. Show them all some love. 

~The addition of William 'The Hutt' Shatner in the opening monologue was a risk and I'm not sure if it was successful. It certainly did go on way too long. McFarlane boldy went where no host had gone before and I think it was a mistake.

~Tommy Lee Jones-Sorry you didn't win but thank you for smiling and showing everyone you had a sense of humor...and facial muscles underneath all those cracks and crags. 

~Hugh Jackman-you good-looking bastard...thank you for being a gentleman and rushing to Jennifer Lawrence's side when she tripped up the stairs. 

~Stairs-Really? Really? Assholes. 

~Quentin Tarrantino-Dude. It's the Mother-#$%@ing OSCARS. Tie your tie. You looked like my drunk uncle at a wedding reception. 

~Jamie Foxx. Your daughter? Really? Yowza.

~Jack Nicholson-So. Really enjoying the buffet at Golden Corral, are you? It's okay. You're Jack 'Freakin' Nicholson. We still love you.

~Christoph Waltz. You're an amazing actor and a class act. Congrats. 

~Winners of make-up and costume design awards-You were nominated for an Academy Award for hair, make-up and styling. Could you not look like you're heading out for a night of bingo at the Moose Lodge? Fuschia leggings? Really?

~Jennifer Lawrence-
you're just too damn cute.

~Anybody else notice that the two winners for Sound Editing (Skyfall and Zero Dark Thirty) both had really long, straight blonde hair? Per Hallberg won for Skyfall, Paul N.J. Ottosson won for Zero Dark Thirty and both looked like they had been cloned from director Renny Harlin. Is someone breeding sound editors somewhere in a lab in Sweden?
~Russell Crowe-I have to ask. Are you okay? You looked like you were having a heart attack during the first-ever live performance of Suddenly from Les Mis. Maybe next time loosen that top button. Just a suggestion. 

~Sally Field-Thanks for having the sense of humor to go along with McFarlane's tribute to The Flying Nun...and Smokey and The Bandit. You are one classy lady.

~Beards/Facial Hair-Nice to see you back. It's been too long.

~Joaquin Phoenix-Do you have enough gum for everyone? Then. Here. Spit it out into this Kleenex...and sit up straight! You're not on the couch at home. You're at the freakin' OSCARS. Freak.

~Daniel Day-Lewis-We knew you were a great actor. Who knew you had a sense of humor? 

~Jennifer Garner-DON'T TURN AROUND. There's some sort of purple monster clinging to your back! It's hideous! You're not 70. Dress your age. 

And that concludes my fashion wrap-up. 
Believe me...television shows-network and cable-will be beating that Haute couture horse for next month!! It's what will keep Joan Rivers alive for another few weeks.

All in all, I would have to give the evening...the host....a B-
McFarlane was not, as he joked, the worst host in OSCAR history.

Once was a long, long night.  
As I said in the beginning, almost 4 hours. 
Obviously, nobody connected to The OSCARS read my OSCAR post from a few days ago. Why does it have to be such a long, dragged out affair?

For one, there were too many musical numbers. 

For Pete's Sake! We really don't need the President of the Academy coming out to tell us about a new museum that's being built. Put it in the newsletter!  

No matter how funny, the monologue should not be allowed to go on...and on....and on...for 17 minutes. McFarlane could have cut it in half and had the same affect on the show. 

I was going to make a trim the fat joke, but didn't want to offend any die-hard (are there any other kind) Shatner fans. 

Okay. Let me finish before this post is as long as the show. 

Congrats to all the winners! Well-deserved. 
So I've heard.

And to those of you who didn't were nominated for an OSCAR. AN OSCAR. You can't go to the mall and pick one of those things up. It is an honor. That's not just some bullshit line people say when they lose and try to put on a brave face.
Or in the case of Jane Fonda...a new face.

Most of us will go through our lives and never even get mentioned in the same sentence as an OSCAR. 

Unless we're asked what our favorite bologna is. 

I will eventually see the movies that were nominated. 
For now...I'm gonna take a nap.
That show wore me out. 

and that's 'Jody' with a 'y'
*Copyright 2o13
*All Rights Reserved


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